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My Alter-Ego Spits on Strangers

If you’ve ever ridden a bike through the sun-baked streets of San Diego, you’ve probably been exposed to people (usually male-type people) who spout unsolicited advice out their car windows. I want to spit on them. Correction! The feminist vigilante, who always wears the pants and never surrenders her rage wants to spit on them. I call her Charlie, affectionately.


Charlie is a part of me, but she is not the only me. She advocates for herself and for her cause fiercely. She loves WOMEN! She’ll trail your ex-boyfriend down the street howling obscenities while swinging a lasso composed entirely of tampons. She loves any song or band with “bitch” in the title. She once, (I kid you not) jumped out the back window of her brick apartment building in order to body slam a skinny, six foot tall, white boy for misogyny. She’s physical. She’s blunt. She’ll unleash flaming arrows of retaliation if a male disrespects her.


She’s also, frankly, a little one dimensional. She lacks finesse, compassion, and versatility. She’s weighed down by the feminist manifesto she lugs around in her leather backpack. She shot puts her standards at other people. Charlie delusionally believes that all women, everywhere, are depending on her. Color me narcissistic!


Charlie refused to listen to anyone currently sporting a penis. She overreacts. She preaches. She’s easily provoked to anger and outbursts. Her armor of toughness conceals an alarming thin skin. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie! I love her, yet people rarely listen to the person who’s body slamming them.


I (speaking as myself, not Charlie) have recently submerged myself in the concept of archetypes. Carl Jung calls them personality or ego states. The illuminating idea is that we are each subconsciously acting out archetypes: responding as them, building identities around them, and aligned ourselves with similar or complementary archetypes. While on one hand the persona or avatar we build with our primary archetype(s) gives us a sense of self, it also, by its very nature, limits us. In order to express one part of who we are, we simultaneously suppress or ignore another aspect of ourselves. This is perfect! This is natural! It’s the foundation of any great story. It’s also transcend-able.


Let’s go back to Charlie, before she was Charlie. Instead there was just Anika at odds with herself. Anika the man-hating, love seeking, empathetic, yet angry girl. Anika, the painfully misunderstood Pollyanna. Anika, the fucked up and out of control. Unknowingly my strongest personality state was the Rebel or Outlaw. In an eye opening therapy session, my therapist guided me to name this part of me “The Wild Child.” She explained that this part of me would not be banished. She would always be given the opportunity to speak her piece in the conversation. My therapist also explained to me that my Outlaw had been making most, if not all, of my decisions. There were other parts of me present who had valuable perspectives.


We started communicating with my sage, who I referred to as “My Wise Woman or Wise One.” (She wore the garments of the Aiel, for my Robert Jordan fans.) This was exceptionally helpful. Nourishing and listening to my Wise One while recognizing and listening to my Wild Child lessened the long experienced sensation of being out of control.


I’ve been taking what that gem of therapist began to new dimensions. Inspired by the brilliant work of the Erotic Blueprint community, I’m now building whole alter-egos for each part of myself. I’m naming them, dressing up as them, honoring them, laughing with and at them. It decreases the possibility that Charlie can hijack my body to spit on people. It increases my joy and amusement. No persona or particular set of attributes can envelop the whole me, it’s just a fabulous outfit I choose to wear or find myself showcasing. I am not Charlie, but Charlie is a part of me. I also embody the Lover, the Child, the Nurturer, the Explorer. I can dress in jewels or swing from trees and no one expression of self defines me. It’s beautiful play to explore every part without being chained to it. It’s a magical game to run free through expression and creativity. It’s a glorious day to change the way you see yourself and recognize more freedom. Beneath every outfit, every embodiment, every avatar, and every archetype there lurks an explosive, pristine nothingness. It is the pure self, the undefinable self, the whole self, the beyond self. You, my love, roam inside all the games and personas. You are this and you are beyond this.

 

Yogi Gone Rogue

COACHING

Anika Spencer | San DIego, CA

anikaspencer@hotmail.com

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