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For Shits and Giggles

Near the end of my drinking career, I wound up shitting myself in public repeatedly. I shat myself WHILE TEACHING a yoga class. I defecated in front of two homeless men in a public park, obnoxiously near my house, and I once constructed a makeshift outhouse from cardboard boxes pulled from the recycling while in my best friend’s parent’s driveway. If only that were the end of the list. It’s immensely frustrating and humiliating to feel betrayed by your own body. Little did I know, my body was whispering kind encouragement or shouting critical direction the entire time. It first spoke meekly, but grew in fervor and intensity each time it went ignored. Eventually it ripped the reins right out

The Jurors Wear My Face

“All rise!” bellowed the bailiff. From the vantage point of the defendant, I watched myself enter the courtroom, clad in black robes and looking stalwart and stately. My skin hung heavy with seriousness like Margaret Thatcher. My inner judge seated herself regally, met my gaze with utter detestment, then slammed down her gavel with a flair reserved for cinema and full-fledged fantasy. My eyes flitted to the jury, a host of humans whose opinions I valued, a handful of my perceived harshest critics, a couple of historically relevant feminists. Also and most notably, a variety of incarnations of myself. There was the rebel with her feet up, checking her nails and looking bored. Nearby sat the s

Make Up Sex with Boredom

The tarmac on the aircraft carrier was paved with boredom. For a decent chunk of my life every lift off led to huge turbulence, an occasional enemy encounter, and, quite often, an emergency ejection from the aircraft. This built in me the belief that the runway of boredom is dangerous. In fact, one with my personality would be best served to avoid boredom with the same ardor and vigilance the Knights of Camelot. Wrong-o! I would later learn. Boredom is like a homemade batch of compost. It stinks. It crinkles your nose when it rots. It can also be slimy and tricky to manage. You may end up with sickly, brown sludge that wafts with heat and crawls with maggots. Then again, with a dash of resea

 

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